I Don’t Know How To Live

“I don’t know how to live,” I sighed in despair, trying to sink into the cracks in my sofa.

“Aye,” said my heart. “And thanks be for that. If you were responsible for carrying out every one of my beats, we wouldn’t last an hour.”

“True,” said my gut. “Can you imagine if you had to know how to implement every stage of your digestion as it happens? What a disaster that would be!”

“You guys that isn’t really what I meant,” I said.

“And what if you had to keep track of all that and also deliberately orchestrate our replication?” said my cells. “You’d never manage!”

“You guys have no idea,” said my lungs. “She only has partial control over us and she still manages to screw up breathing whenever she gets anxious.”

“You think you’ve got it bad?” said my brain. “She believes she is the thoughts I think!”

“Wait, hold on now, what?” I said. “So I’m not responsible for any of you?”

“Nope,” they replied in unison. “In fact we operate a lot better when you get out of the way.”

“And none of you are me?” I asked.

“Of course not,” they said.

“Well what are you, then?” I asked.

“I am life,” life replied. “I am the beating of your heart. I am the replication of your cells. I am the voice which asks your questions, and the mind which forms them. I am the growth of grass. I am the spinning of your planet. I am the fusion of the stars and the rotation of the galaxies. I am the dance of the appearance of forms, and I am the field of consciousness upon which that dance is staged. I am the eternal beginningless endless verb. I am the thing that living is.”

“Oh,” I replied. “So, what am I, then?”

“You’re… along for the ride,” life said.

“You don’t need my help?” I asked.

“Oh please god no,” life replied.

“Well okay,” I said, hiding my butthurt. “What should I do, then?”

“What do you do when you’re on a rollercoaster?”

“I… put my hands in the air and scream and laugh and enjoy the ride until it’s over?”

“There you go,” life said.

“Whoo, okay,” I said. “Okay. You sure you got this?”

“You wanna try orchestrating the movement of every atom in the universe?” life asked.

“No thanks,” I said.

“Alright then! Relax, kid. Relax and enjoy. This is kinda my thing. This is literally all I do. Relax, and enjoy, and let me impress you.”

“Okay,” I said. “Okay.”

I raised my arms slowly into the air.

https://medium.com/@caityjohnstone/i-dont-know-how-to-live-12e31001e4b4